02 Jun Untitled for now by Audra Crago
I want to be a Girl
The way that angels are girls:
With flowing white cotton hugging waists,
Bare feet that won’t be made to bleed by the glass they step on.
Ephemeral physicality, but a forever impression.
But I am only a girl
In that I blush when you say my name,
in that I pinch my skin where I find something I
don’t like,
In that I’ve cried in seven fitting rooms
And then blamed it on the skinny bitches in the
checkout line.
I want to be a Boy
The way that they appear:
Leaning languidly against windowpanes,
Hair dripping rain and coffee breath that’s still sweet.
He moves like he knows how:
In an unpredictable way.
An unattainable way.
Even his knuckles seem gentle
As they brush my cheek.
But I am only a boy
In that I often wish I was.
In that I can’t skip stones but always wanted to
know how.
In that I longed to be reckless in the way he was,
Because part of me always felt proud of
The scrapes on my knees.
I want to love a Girl
The way I did when I first discovered them:
With flower crowns and blankets over shoulders,
The alcoholic scent of polish being removed.
She unravels my hair, deft
Deaf to my best attempts to stay braided.
But I love a girl
In that I do until I don’t.
I reject her like an organ
When the fever gets too high
And strip the bed
As soon as she leaves.
I want to love a Boy
The way Liepke paints them:
Hands travelling over the valleys of a ribcage,
My own curls tangled with his.
When he lays his head in my lap,
I am as much for him as he is for me.
But I love a boy
In that Dorian way:
With the ugly in the attic
And both of you under the sheets–
It’s almost better than the real thing.
But if I am honest
I would just as gladly take your hand in mine
And call it a day.
And if I am honest,
Walking on glass doesn’t hurt anymore
Since I started taking my coffee with my cream.